Monday, January 22, 2007


Ahh, the first snowfall of the season. For me, it always brings to mind a single fill-in-the-blank question:

What the fuck is the matter with _______________??

Fairfax County VA Department of Public Works, or Highways, or whatever the hell. Every fucking year we go through this. Every year! Why? 4...6 hours after the massive winter storm dropped nearly one whole inch of snow on us, why were major roads still a clusterfuck? I'm not talking about neighborhood roads. I'm talking major 2 or 4 lane thoroughfares. I had heard the forecasts days ago saying "winter weather is coming". Is there nobody in your department with a fucking radio? I mean, seriously. I think weather people are about 90% full of shit, too. But I at least give them a small benefit of the doubt. And I'm not responsible for keeping the county roads clear. YOU ARE! Why is it every year, you're caught with your proverbial pants around your ankles the first time it snows? Haven't you learned *anything*? Have you any idea what I pay in taxes each year? Well, neither do I, but it's a fucking lot. I'd appreciate it if some of those tax dollars could go to county services.

Fairfax County VA police. When you're going to close a fucking road because the highway department can't manage to sand it down (see rant, paragraph 1), how about closing it a mile or two back, maybe even at an intersection? I mean, instead of closing it 20' before the ice patch. Closing it *at* the problem spot leads to dozens, probably hundreds of cars (over the course of the night) having to pull U-turns on snowy, slushy 2-lane roads. This, in turn leads to cars that shouldn't be on the roads in the snow in the first place (see rant, paragraph 3-4) getting stuck and cluster fucking up the whole process for the rest of us.

My fellow drivers. I'm talking to you, people with cars that have no business in the snow. You know who you must. Don't you? You Mustang drivers. Camaros. Corvettes, BMWs. Things with huge fucking engines and rear wheel drive. *I* know your car can't handle snow...why don't you? They're your cars? You guys get the other ~360 days of the year. All the dry, sunny days, where you take off from traffic lights and make us big, slow 4x4 SUV and truck drivers look like we're going backwards. Do me a favor, give us our 5 snowy days to rule the roads. You guys stay the fuck home.

Oh, and you 4x4 SUV and truck drivers who've got no idea how to drive that 4x4. If you think 4x4 means you can go 60 MPH and stop on a dime in the snow and ice, you guys just stay the fuck home too, OK? I saw one of you with your Toyota 4Runner who 4-runned his dumb ass 20' off the road into the woods. I saw at least 3 other 4x4 vehicles in various states of slid-off-the-road-ness. You guys do everybody a favor and stay home, eh? Pretty please?

And finally My fellow human beings. You're the worst of all. You make me so fucking crazy that I want to run around with a giant frozen herring and club you all in the heads. Here's a little lesson: If you're driving ~3 (yes, three) MPH after pulling one of those dumbass Police-induced U-turns (see rant, paragraph 2) and you see a woman and her ~2 year-old child walking along the side of a fairly dark, busy, shoulder-less, snowy, slushy road at night...WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW AND ASK IF THEY NEED A LIFT??? What, that 5' tall woman with a small child in her arms is gonna pull out a knife, shank you, dump your body on the side of the road and drive off with your Lexus SUV? Seriously people, a little fucking humanity is all I ask. I don't even like people, and I managed to overcome my issues and offer assistance. I saw three of you in your bigass SUVs drive past this woman without so much as a slowdown and a "Hey, are you OK?". Let me tell you a little something, she wasn't. Sure, she, and her 2-year-old could have walked the ~1 mile back to their house. But they were damned grateful not to have to.

Or how about the (extremely) heavyset woman walking along the other dark, ice/slush/snow covered road? I saw one of you pass by her, apparently without a second thought. You think she was just out for a nighttime stroll? No, not so much. Again, is it too much to ask of my fellow man to slow down, roll down a window, and offer a "Hey, do you need a ride somewhere?". She did. She'd have had a hell of a ~2 mile walk ahead of her.

So, people, how about we try some common decency for a change. I'll make you an deal, you try to be better human beings, and I'll try to stop disliking so many of you. No promises. But I will try.